It's one of those days where every 'good morning' feels like a personal attack. It's been so hot and beautiful outside, which has, naturally, meant freezing in a horrible artificial icebox all day while everyone coming in from outside tells me how good it feels and I try not to stab them in the face with my pen, and it's so smoky today that I can't even spend my lunch break outside in the sunshine unless the wind performs some miracles in the next six hours. Also I somehow lost my wired earbuds with the dongle because heaven forbid phones have headphone jacks these days and I am mad about everything, so I am simply going to cast my mind back to the weekend, and the emotional catharsis that was Double or Nothing.



Megan Bayne & Penelope Ford vs. Anna Jay & Harley Cameron: Penelope finally took my advice and started fully matching Megan's Greek Freak and now she looks like the Pokémon that eventually evolves into Megan and it RULES. Also Anna and Harley continue to be a delightful pairing (there's a reason Anna was so good as Dark Order's straight woman, she's funny! let her be funny!), even if I continue to worry that Anna will turn on her as soon as Tay finally comes back (seriously, where the fuck is she, it's been like six months since she popped up in Stardom wrestling just fine post-baby, and then disappeared again). A perfect buy in match; a big stage to set up something bigger for the next week, because AEW has literally never missed with women's deathmatches.

RPG VICE & CRU vs. Bandido, AR Fox & Los Titanes del Aire: I wholly reject this 'RPG' rebranding, it's Roppongi, fuck off, but this was also a perfect buy in match, just a lot of insane, fast-paced bullshit to get the crowd's blood pumping!! I can't say I approve of only two matches with the switch to ninety-minute preshows, though; as much as I love hanging out with my good friends Renee and RJ, I need graps, too!!! It gives Fed when it's mostly talk like that. Also, you know I don't mind copying or scanning something for somebody as a favour, but mine is not the only copier in the damn building, if you need thirty of something, how about you fuck off over to accounting and do it yourself I don't have all day for you??? I HATE EVERYTHING no, no, it's okay, I'm going back, going back to the show proper, I'm going back........

Mercedes Moné vs. Jamie Hayter in the Owen Hart Foundation Women's Tournament Final: GOD DAMN IT, MERCEDES. To be clear, I am not sick of the Mercedes PPV matches, because they're all fucking fantastic, but I sure am sick and tired of Mercedes winning all of the Mercedes PPV matches. It'll never be a Jade Cargill situation, because again, Mercedes is actually a great wrestler who elevates all of her opponents and knows how to tell a story in the ring, but UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. I don't CARE if Mercedes vs. Toni is 'the bigger match' for All In, I want Jamie and Toni to have a Battle of the Eras so she can get her damn title back!!! Still, this was a banger, Hayter Hits Hard and Mercedes is one of the best bump-takers around so they were very well-suited to each other, even if it started the night on a rancid note in terms of anticipation about how the rest of the card might go. Owen Tournament years where I was happy with both winners will have to remain at one out of four (and even that one hasn't aged terrifically; oh Ricky Saints, you had such promise...)

Nigel McGuinness & Daniel Garcia vs. FTR: GOD DAMN IT, DANIEL. Nigel hasn't won a match in almost fifteen years and you fucked it up for him again!!! Still angry about how much I'm enjoying heel!FTR, they wasted SO MUCH TIME being boring and whiny and annoying assholes when they could have been spreading joy via their douchebaggery instead! I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR TWO HOURS WHY ARE PEOPLE STILL TELLING ME GOOD MORNING AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH ssssshhhhh ssshhh, it's okay, it's GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KEY BOARD, JUST ASK ME IF I HAVE SOMETHING INSTEAD OF BARGING IN no I am rising above it all we're going back to the weekend, baaaaaaack to the desert.........

Ricochet vs. Mark Briscoe in a stretcher match: Is Cagematch telling me the truth? Was this seriously the first stretcher match anyone has done in a decade?? Crazy! I guess they've mostly been replaced by ambulance matches these days? This was a hell of a return, if that's truly the case, just a BUCKWILD time, full of violence and hilarity. My favourite spot was definitely Mark doing the big Sabu tribute dive only to absolutely EAT a chair to the face, making it even more of a Sabu tribute in the process? RIP king!

The Hurt Syndicate (c) vs. The Sons of Texas for the AEW World Tag Team Championship: Bit of a snoozer, much like most of HS's reign, unfortunately. Sammy's always game to do some cool shit, but he's just so aggressively unlikeable that it's hard to care! Once again, the tag title match is the lowest point on the card, just a blip on the MJF/Hurt Syndicate storyline, when that division used to be a cornerstone of the company, TRAGIC. Why the FUCK aren't MxM Collection the ROH champs already??

Kazuchika Okada (c) vs. Speedball Bailey for the AEW Continental Championship: Okada really out there beating the washed allegations with a single mid-air dropkick, jesus CHRIST what a finish. Genuinely cannot remember the last time somebody showed up in AEW and just immediately felt like they belonged there more than Mike Bailey, nerdy-ass Balatro gear and all. Fun and frenzied, though the bad guys winning literally every single match so far was really sending my stomach down into my shoes by this point.

Toni Storm (c) vs. Mina Shirakawa for the AEW Women's World Championship: At least there wasn't really a heel in this one to keep dragging the vibes down? TIME FOR THE NIGHT TO START TURNING AROUND. This was great and gay, and I will laugh forever at all the people who genuinely thought Mariah was returning here and told me how dumb I was on Bluesky for thinking otherwise. "They just referenced her!" Except never by name, and always carefully editing her out of the Toni/Mina video packages; she's gone, guys, deal with it (and since I wrote this, she was taken off the AEW roster page, lol). I was expecting Thekla here, but leaving Toni and Mina to just make out and stroll off together in peace instead was a nice breath of fresh air after every other match ending in downer results. And anyway, that's what the post-PPV Dynamite is for!

Kenny Omega, Swerve Strickland, The Opps & Willow Nightingale vs. Death Riders & Young Bucks in ANARCHY IN THE ARENA: yes it absolutely deserves to be in all caps at this point, THIS ONE IS, ONCE AGAIN, FOR THE SICKOS. I'm generally not a fan of fun little bits becoming mandatory traditions, but the Pointer Sisters into Drowning Pool and then repeating like four times in a row was very funny, so I will allow it in this case. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOR. Was it a wrestling match, or was it an experience? Who can truly say, but it fucking ruled. Including women this time massively elevated things, and while they're clearly still skittish about proper intergender action, the response to this just as clearly shows that the fans are CLAMOURING for it. Normalize that shit so I can stop getting excited by violence against women, which is a way more uncomfortable feeling!! I love how everyone was like 'wonder what bullshit the Bucks are gonna get up to' but nobody ever, given a million years, could have guessed precisely what that bullshit would be! SURE, A FIFE AND DRUM INTRO AND FULL REVOLUTIONARY COSTUMES FOR MEMORIAL DAY, WHY NOT. Meanwhile the Canadian on the other team dressed as Captain America and Swerve came in full Predator cosplay, why the fuck not, just pure chaos from beginning to end. Willow ripping off her overalls to reveal the BIG BLACK AND JACKED shirt was as perfect an outfit reveal as I can imagine, though I still think it would be very funny if Shibata had worn one. My sinuses have started driving me crazy over the last little while, probably because of all the smoke, and I can barely breathe, and being here is a living nightmare! ANYWAY, Swerve definitely would have won Sicko of the Night for getting his tongue stapled and adding to Matt Jackson's Shoe Lore if not for Willow and the chain-through-the-ear spot, which made me make a quiet, upset drone of 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa' every time she was on camera until somebody finally saved her. That's certainly one way to take somebody out of the match for a while!!! I would have cared more about Hook's return if I didn't need an Eddie return so badly (WHY IS GABE EVEN HERE IF NOT SO EDDIE CAN SET HIM ON FIRE???), but as it is, MEH. Did we ever find out what was wrong with him? He threw up in the ring, which says concussion to me, but Claudio wouldn't have hit him afterwards if there was a chance of that, so idk. Either way, best return of the night was definitely Mark Briscoe, with the implication that he was just... chilling in the ambulance, covered in his own drying blood, for the past two hours??? So goddamn good. UGH I WANNA REWATCH IT ALL AGAIN RIGHT NOW.

Paragon vs. Don Callis Family: ...did we really need a cooldown match between the two truly insane ones? I can certainly see the argument for a pee break, but this was a very long show, and this did not feel... necessary. But maybe I'm just saying that because Paragon is SO. BORING. I love all three of those boys, but they just do not work as bland babyfaces; if they're being nice so that I'll feel better about KOR (since we have two Kyles here) going back to his toxic exes, it's not working!! Let them be shit disturbers!! At least we got a bit of Forbidden Door setup at the end? And like... it's six damn great wrestlers, so it's far from a BAD match, but compared to what surrounds it, it's just a pretty whatever sandwich on some fucking amazing bread.

Will Ospreay vs. Hangman Adam Page in the Owen Hart Foundation Men's Tournament Final: I ALMOST DIED. Y'ALL ALMOST LOST ME ON THIS ONE. At this point, I had thoroughly convinced myself that I'd be Fine if/when Ospreay won, that I was just drunk and high enough to rise above it all much like I am rising above this horrible day at work, but by the halfway mark or so, I realized that was all lies, and I spent the next fifteen minutes constantly teetering on the brink of my heart simply stopping in my chest. Two of the best in the world at their absolute peaks going absolutely nuts for almost forty minutes, I desperately need to rewatch it now that I won't be writhing in terror at every near-fall because even if he doesn't beat Mox at All In, the wrong of Double or Nothing 2022 has finally been righted and we can all let the healing begin. I won't say for sure until I revisit it a billion times, but I don't think it quite beats out The Hollywood Ending for my match of the year so far, but man, maybe!! Will failing to hit Kenny's finisher only for Hangman to nail him with Swerve's... that's cinema right there, baby. NOT the end!!!

Overall: A 10/10 show that came perilously close to being an 8/10 show due solely to bad outcome vibes. THEY HAD ME IN THE FIRST HALF, NOT GONNA LIE. Then we made it to Toni time, and everything turned around!!! SOMETIMES THE GOOD GUYS DO WIN AND IT'S SO DAMN SATISFYING. And sometimes you stay stuck here, snuffling and cold and tired and making very little money for twelve straight hours, but you can always make something tasty when you get home. Just gotta get to Toni time! how do metaphors work again

it's almost lunchtime so I'm not reading over that, hopefully it's not gibberish!!! HALFWAY THERE